Wednesday, April 20, 2005


...the angels and archangels sang in a heavenly chorus...


So, Papa Duck thought it might be therapeutic for me to talk about my Jekyl/Hyde personality today. Let me get comfy on the couch here and you can start taking notes whenever you see fit.

The mornings start off pretty well around here. Papa has been assisting in the Feeding Frenzy that is the Duckling's breakfast while I play Human Milk Factory to Peanut. Things usually go really well until first nap-time which is around 10 AM...after that everything tailspins out of control.

Papa comes home for lunch to help out, which is totally sweet of him, but the Duckling who thrives on consistency and routine, loses it. She doesn't want to eat her turkey. She spies my Wheat Thins box and grunts, pointing at the yellow box. Cave Baby returns. We tell her she can have a cracker if she eats one piece of turkey. In Cave Baby style she grunts louder and throws the turkey on the floor. We tell her, "No cracker until you eat the turkey." This time tears accompany the grunting and flying turkey. Lunch is over.

All of her noise has now roused Peanut from her snoozing (current daytime naps max out somewhere around 30 minutes). The girl spends longer eating than she does napping during the day. They volley crying until Papa leaves for the sanity and sanctuary of work.

During the afternoon it tends to feel like someone has placed jumper cables on my nipples and kicked me in the hoo-ha (sorry Dad...). Peanut wants to "cluster feed" and the Duckling wants to destroy the house. We've been blessed with fabulous weather the last few days, so we take a walk. The Duckling hollers about not being able to get out and play at the park, so I tell her that we're going to look for doggies some more to which she responds, "Woof woof." Crisis averted.

Afternoon naps begin well...the Duckling goes to sleep (occasionally after sharing her Pootie with Cashew and singing a few songs in her crib) and Peanut passes out after eating...again. But after sleeping for about 30 minutes, Peanut wakes up screaming. Good God, she can't be hungry again? Gas? Nightmare about the birthing experience (me too sweetheart, me too!)?

I lose it. I go from Happy Doting Mother, to understanding why seahorses leave child rearing up to the fathers. I try to check my e-mails, my blogs, I even stupidly tried to post yesterday. Why doesn't my baby sleep like a normal newborn!? I want to sleep, why doesn't she.

Papa Duck comes home, I'm crying, various parts of me are sore and aching because once again I've forgotten to take the pain medication after the first dose when I woke up in the morning. I'm ready to give up breastfeeding because the latch is good and I'm doing it right, so why the jumper-cable nipple syndrome?!?!

I feel wildly out of control like I've indulged in way too many Jack and Cokes except I'm not reaping the benefit of being drunk and happy. It's like being back in college when you see that really cute guy from the cafeteria at the bar you're at, who just so happens to be in your roommate's psych class (so you know his name), and you look up his phone number (in the campus directory) and Drunk Dial. It seems like a good idea at the time, but then the next morning as you're battling the effects of a night with Jack Daniels you remember the Drunk Dial. Extreme highs and extreme lows..OK, just me maybe.

The point is, I swing from being happy, perfect mother to someone who (as Lucky Lum put it) understands what Andrea Yates was thinking. NO, I AM NOT GOING TO HARM MY PRECIOUS GIRLS OR MYSELF, I just said, I understand how the madness can drive you to feel so out of control. Hormones my friends, hormones.
Positive News: Peanut has been only waking up once at night. We put her to bed after the final feeding at 11 PMish and she doesn't wake up for food again until around 4 AM. Can't complain about that, but after not sleeping all day, I suppose she needs a good night's sleep too!
DING! My time's up. Thanks for the vent today. I promise I will return to my usual happy, jovial self here the meantime, if the girls continue to sleep for a few more minutes, I'll get some pics up.