WARNING

Tomorrow I will be loading up approximately three hundred and seventy six photos of my precious, beautiful and mostly sweet girls so get ready to swoon and ogle at their adorableness. Drink in their innocence and comment on how you'd love to keep them at your house for an evening so that Papa Duck and I could go out to eat.

This is all assuming that The Duckling will take a long enough nap for me to get the photos up and that Peanut will be able to keep her Pootie in while I write snappy captions for each.

Which in all likelihood means I'll get like three pictures up, but just know that on my C drive I have those three hundred and seventy six photos ready to go...at a moment's notice!!!

:)

Case: Tits Status: SOLVED/CLOSED

Today as we were preparing for lunch The Duckling put Cashew, her beloved bear, on the kitchen table as he is not allowed to sit in the highchair for what would appear to be obvious reasons (at least they are to Mama Duck, not necessarily so for Papa Duck, but that's neither here nor there).

While doing so she said, "Tits, tits, tits."

FINALLY IT HIT ME!!!!!!

"Say sit."

"Tits."

Case solved.

My Very Own Wisteria Lane

So, I really have nothing to say tonight, but lucky you, I'm going to say stuff anyway.

The weekend here was beautiful, finally showing some weather that is a bit spring like. Not that June is creeping up on us this week or anything, but it was nice to FINALLY hit the 70s. I have found that the box containing all of my summer shorts (and my FAVORITE lounging dress from Victoria's Secret!!!!) was lost in the move (Ode to The Box of Missing Clothes will be posted soon on The Kept Woman) which means an outing to Marshall's is on the horizon this week.

My SIL confirmed that indeed the neighborhood that I live in reminds her very much of Wisteria Lane on Desperate Housewives. As usual, I picked the season finale to jump on the Desperate Housewives bandwagon so I saw a lot of loose ends tied up, but am not sure what kind of string was being tied up. Anyway, I promise to tell more about our neighborhood later, but like I said, picture The Hamptons meets "Dirty Dancing". Our neighbor was on the NBC Nightly News tonight talking about mercury hot-spots as a result of the EPAs standards on emissions, but they didn't show his house.

Alright, both girls are passed out for the moment (The Duckling is out for the night and Peanut is just taking a little snooze since she's been up for over seven hours!!!!!), so I shall go and enjoy the peace. While it lasts.

So cute, yet...

How could you Peanut!?!? How could you do this to your mother!??!?!

...so volatile!

Indeed, it did take seven wipies and a change of clothing to get this mess cleaned up. It would have caused Papa Duck to gag, wretch, dry-heave and make all kinds of juvenile faces and sounds. Mama? Mama, cleaned it up, photographed the scene and blogs it of course!

...so volatile!!!

Indeed, it did take seven wipies and a change of clothing to get this mess cleaned up. It would have caused Papa Duck to gag, wretch, dry-heave and make all kinds of juvenile faces and sounds. Mama? Mama, cleaned it up, photographed the scene and blogs it of course!

Naked Feet Friday

Since all the cool kids are doing it, I will too! Here are my toes in a very risque, nude shot...God, I hope my parents don't find out I've posed with naked toes!!!!

In my groove

So I finally feel like I'm in my old groove here in my new home.

We hosted playgroup this morning and I ambitiously bathed Peanut (who kind of stunk from all the foofing she's been doing lately...really, I've never smelled a baby quite like her!) and made cookies for my guests. The kids played really well and enjoyed our new sandtable nicely. That's saying quite a bit for mostly non-verbal one yead olds.

Today is gorgeous, not too hot, not too cold and sunny. Love it!

This weekend we're getting the opportunity to see both sides of our families and possibly help the Wisconsinites meet their goal for selling 200K brats at The World's Largest Brat Fest. Lord, can't get that kind of goodness back in Texas! Brats for a buck and hot dogs (YUM!) for 50 cents.

If one person comments on the disgustingness of hot dogs I will personally go to their house and make them eat an entire package of hot dogs. I know what's in them and I love them. Bologna too.

Happy Friday and hopefully we'll get some more pictures up soon! :)

(((virtual epidural)))

After much complaining and ranting about getting Liv out of her Mrs. Mates is finally on the way to the hospital!

And to answer your question from a year and a half ago Mr. Mates? Apparently if Mrs. Mates ever were to get pregnant the amount of whining involved throughout would be quite significant...hindsight 20/20 and all that jazz!

We love you both and can't wait to hear about Liv's arrival!

Cheers!

You can stop running to your mailbox like Charlie Brown on Valentines Day

If you’ve known us personally for any amount of time you know that right about now is the time you should be expecting a notice, either virtual or physical, stating that we are packing up the duck nest and moving. Every six months to a year we have this animal instinct that indicates it's time for our migration. Amazingly enough, for the first time in five years we’ll be able to actually use all of our address labels for the current address. We’re not moving.

But that almost wasn’t the case.

Last Wednesday I received a phone call from Landlord who was responding to Papa Duck’s request for an extension on our lease.

“Ummmm, yeah, I’m just gonna need another $300 a month and we’re good to go, that is unless you’d like to buy the place.”

Seeing as the same Genius (covered nail holes in trim work with caulk, used expandable foam in cracks on the limestone fireplace, forgot a spacer in the corner of the kitchen cabinets which prevents one of the drawers from opening, etc., etc.) who worked on our house in Austin, apparently worked on this house (“fixed” the second floor decking, but failed to actually nail the railing to the support post, didn’t complete the casing around the newly installed windows, used aforementioned caulk to patch nail holes, and the list goes on…), I thought about the half million dollar price tag on the house and started laughing. Hysterically. Unable to control myself.

“I’ll go ahead and pass that information on to my husband and have him get back to you,” I said as I pulled it back together and wiped the tears from my eyes.

So, for the better part of the next week there was the familiar feeling of upheaval as Papa Duck and Landlord negotiated our new rent payment for a year. One year. On top of the six months we’ve already been here. That’s a total of one and a half years. The LONGEST time I’ve lived in one dwelling since 2000 (house in Houston…two years) and Papa Duck since 2002 (condo in Westmont…two years).

I would also like to state for the record that I was so desperate to stay in one place that I declined a raise in my allowance (the difference between this place and a potential condo we could have moved into) that over the course of a year would have allowed me to finally save up for my much desired and drooled-after diamond earrings.

More later on where we live and why I love it…think The Hamptons meets the resort in “Dirty Dancing.” And yes, you read correctly, there is something I like about Wisconsin.

So innoncent, you could hardly believe she can clear a room playing the ass-tuba

LET IT BE KNOWN FROM THIS DAY FORWARD THAT PEANUT SMILED AT MOMMY FIRST!!!! MOMMY. THE ONE WHO SHARED AND DESTROYED HER PERFECT FIGURE FOR NINE MONTHS. MOMMY. Mommy who is on Cloud 9. For those of you wondering, The Duckling's first smile was at Uncle Ben (who did not get up in the middle of the night for nine months and eat hard boiled eggs and yogurt, or have Morning Sickness, or go through the pain of labor, or get up to pee a thousand times a day while trying to train attorneys to utilize software...). Not that I'm bitter about that or anything...

Mommy and The Duckling hanging out at the bestest toy in the whole wide world! Her very own sand and water (sandy, mucky water...) table! 

Very busy digging in the sand! 

Cleansing the Verbal Palette

“We’re terrible parents, you know,” Papa Duck said through his laughter.

“I know, but it’s just so funny.”

Through the last month Cave Baby has continued her evolution to Speaking Homo Sapien Baby. New words seem to emerge daily, ball, peas, please (which sounds like “peas”), doggie, Cashew (pronounced “caggie”) and the list grows. But, as my good friend Lucky Lum can attest to, some innocent words sound dirty and it’s just irresistible to not have them repeated for your auditory enjoyment. Lucky’s daughter had a particularly difficult time with “frog,” and I probably don’t have to tell you which four-letter word that starts with “f” and rhymes with truck that it sounded like when Little Lucky Lum tried to say it.

Last night Papa said to The Duckling who was wanting to go outside, “Go get your coat. Say coat.”

“Cock.”

We looked at each other….nahhhh.

“Say coat.”

“Cock.”

Gales of complete childish laughter, from us…the responsible parents who the hospital let leave with this newborn baby a year and a half ago. See? They had no idea what kind of life they were subjecting The Duckling to. We only look like fine, upstanding citizens who are responsible enough to care for and raise a child.

For weeks now The Duckling has been walking around repeating one word over and over again. She doesn’t say it to anyone in particular and it’s always said in repetition while she’s deep in solitary play.

“Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits,” she says as she wanders around playing with her toys.

I have tried to get her to show me what she wants. She shows me nothing. I have tried to figure out the word…kids? No, that’s “kis.” Kix? No, that “keees.” She is definitely starting with a “t” sound, but I just cannot figure out what word she’s trying to say. For awhile I also thought it might be “this” but I’m pretty sure it’s not. While it's true that I do spend the better part of most days sitting on the couch with my boob out for Peanut’s dining pleasure I certainly don't sit around announcing, "Hey Peanut, would you like some tit for lunch?"

Huh, I just can't imagine where she's picked such foul language. Surely it couldn't be from her Sippy Cup Destroying Mother who uses the most pristine and intellectual language at all times. Could it be the bars she's spending her time at? Or her new group of Wisconsinite hoodlum friends? I'm not sure what it is but I've got a tray of two choices for the cleansing of her palette...Ivory or Dove.

Just missing home today. For those of you who say, ahhh, but you grew up in Chicago, I say, home is where your heart is. My good friend (and former boss) Bob said I was like a person who was born in a man's body, but feels that he was meant to be a woman except I was born a Midwesterner who is a Texan at heart. Interesting analogy which oddly was right on. 

Great Blogging Music

Bob Schneider is a local Austin musician and has his most recent album set to play when you visit his web-site. I strongly recommend opening a window and letting the album roll while you type in another window.

Fabulous album...my favorite song is the first one...Come With Me Tonight.

Very cool music...check it out, you'll like it, I promise.

Enjoy!

Hi all! My Me-Time is fairly limited, but today I thought I would show you my week (so far) in pictures, besides, it's more interesting. Sunday we went to celebrate Cousin Beefcake's 1st birthday! Happy birthday Lugnut Beefcake, we love you! 

Hi! It's me, Peanut! Check out my wild and crazy hair!! It's just like my big sister's was when she was a baby! 

Here is The Duckling displaying her new found joy of picking sock lint out of her toes....on my couch. 

Certainly not the most flettering picture, but are self-portraits ever? Anyway, escaped for two hours Monday night to get my cut and ummmm, yeah, that's my natural color... :) 

The Duckling sees to it to personally QC each and every wipie in the box while Mommy foolishly ran upstairs for a minute. 

Here I am!!!

Really, I have not fallen off the face of the earth...we're all here and still alive.

After telling the story of the Sippy Cup's Demise to multiple mothers I feel more confident that those who have BTDT won't think I'm a total nutcase and report me to any agencies which might want to remove my girls from my care.

The Great Sippy Cup Story is this. Duckling was shoving Peanut off of the ottoman in an attempt to show her jealousy. I told her repeatedly as nicely as I could to not to this and be gentle with the baby. After her hysterical laughing at me and continuous shoving of the baby, I lost it. I grabbed her sippy cup and whipped it at the floor (which has a concrete underlay). Upon impact it shattered and spewed water all over the living room. This accomplished three things...
1. Allowed me to relieve some pent up anger with a child who is just a little young to understand punishment.
2. Got the same child's attention, whereupon she stopped the undesirable behavior (shoving Peanut) and started crying (finally sensing Mommy was a little pissed off).
3. Tested the Nuby sippy cup's ability to respond under pressure when colliding with a carpeted floor.
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Had a nice weekend. Am pretty sure that my family members now think I have totally lost any ability to carry on an adult conversation using big words. It's amazing how you can think you are not sleep deprived until you actually try to carry on a discussion with people other than your 17 month old.
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New poll on the sidebar...please vote. As always, this is totally scientific and the findings will likely be published in some important journal someday. People care about this kind of stuff I tell you. Maybe I can even get a government grant to further delve into the science of sandwich making. Maybe I can eventually come up with some sandwiches that are so hearty and resistant to sogginess that they can be used by the military. Hmmmmm, I may have something here.
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You know, as I read through this post I can't help but think that Time magazine does a Blogwatch in each issue...maybe someday they'll come across mine and find it of the utmost worldly significance.

SOS

OK, here's the fastest post in the West...or Midwest as it would be.

Peanut will have NOTHING to do with napping during the day, so posting and commenting is happening at a VERY slow pace. My apologies to my blogger friends...I frequently visit and read, but cannot type while shoving the paci back into Peanut's mouth as she lounges on my crossed legs.

It's Friday, we're going to ATTEMPT to go to a playgroup this morning. If nothing else the experience ought to prove to be good foder for writing.

Cheers and love to all!

FYI...

...returns at Kohls are done in Customer Service.

Wanna guess how long I waited in line in the regular check-out before I found this out?

For the Bonus Round guess how many times I had to remove the stuffed hippos on display at the check-out from the Duckling's clutches.

Because my kids are so darn cute...just look at them!

A sweet moment between my girls...notice how I chose not to capture the not-so-sweet moment that occured later in the afternoon when the Duckling was trying to shove Peanut off of the ottoman and then laughed wildly at me when I yelled at her? Her sippy cup felt the Wrath of Mommy which finally straightened her up enough to listen to me...RIP poor sippy cup.

I only wish I could capture the true essence of just how much Peanut resembles an algae eater stuck to the side of a fish tank while she's intensly sucking on her paci.

Riddle me this Batman...

How in the world can the Duckling's size 6 infant shoes cost THE SAME that my size 7 1/2 adult women's shoes do? The shoes use like 1/4 of the amount of materials...leather, cork, buckles, etc. that mine do.

Shouldn't they cost 1/4 the price?

P.S. Just got a call for the Blackwells...Kate has apparently left her little boy's shirt at Talbots. Just in case you know her, please pass that tidbit of info on, thanks.

Quickie

So, Peanut slept through Saturday night like a dream (since she didn't nap at all during the day!!!), but the Duckling woke up at 11:15 PM screaming with a fever so she and Papa Duck headed off to the guest room for the night. Peanut and I didn't complain about having the whole bed to ourselves.

Sunday (Mothers' Day) was actually sunny and warm (76) here. Too bad I had to wear jeans since I still haven't ventured out for some interim clothing. It was a bit toasty. I had the Duckling dressed in long sleeves, overalls along with heavy socks and shoes (Hey, I let her get away without wearing a coat!!!)...alright, the rest of the kids at the park were in shorts, t-shirts and sandals. I guess I need to realize that warm here isn't the equivalent of warm in Texas...I don't want to have the dork kid at the park that no one wants to talk to because she's all bundled up by her neurotic mother.

The Duckling wanted me to pick out a cactus for Mothers' Day at the Farmers' Market downtown, but that was just one more thing for me to keep alive. I'm doing well to keep my aloe plants and two kids alive, so I told her to save her money. She's very thoughtful though!

Finally, if you were to look at the Duckling today you might think she's been abused or possibly in a playground fight (maybe because someone said her mother dressed her like a dork?) recently. The right side of her face is a disaster. She fell down the embankment in our yard last night and bumped her cheek on the rocks which resulted in a nice purple bruise. Then this morning she fell over the side of our oversized chair scraping the side of her face on our functional, but apparently rough, magazine storage basket.

Good thing we have a family gathering this weekend where we will likely take a lot of photos. It's always nice to memorialize these things. In my defense, I had JUST told her not to climb on the arm of the chair before she plummeted over the side head-first into the basket. Apparently Pottery Barn creates their baskets for looks and design purposes, not comfort when face-planting into them from three feet up.

Mr. Sandman, bring us a dream...

So I know that Jody can totally relate, but let me tell you about today's sleep schedule for the two little princesses who reside in Mama Duck's castle.

The Duckling (Princess #1) usually takes two naps a day...1.5 hours in the morning and another 1.5 hours in the afternoon...she's like clockwork. And thank God for such as it gives me time to regain my sanity.

Today, Princess #1 has napped a TOTAL of 1.5 hours.

Peanut (Princess #2) sleeps at night, but needs to be coerced by falling asleep in my arms in our bed and then can be transferred to her bassinet. Her daily snoozers are somewhere around 30 minutes each (of which we have maybe three or four throughout the day), although on a few rare occasions she has taken actual naps that have lasted 1-2 hours.

Today, Princess #2 slept for 45 minutes (30 in Mama's bed and 15 on Papa's chest)...total...as in, that's all. I tried to get her to sleep for an hour and a half on our bed...holding her, stroking her cheek, sticking her paci back into her mouth, swaddling her tightly...nothing...nada...then, when I gave up, she looked at me with her big blue eyes and smiled.

She smiled folks...and NO it wasn't gas! She was showing her appreciation for her Mama who tried so hard to get her to sleep. Now if she could just show that appreciation by actually falling asleep...

PLEASE forward this on...

...if you don't bad luck will befall you, your hair will turn green and your liver will rot. Oh and I won't be your friend. If you do forward it you will get $100 from Bill Gates personally. Try it! Oh and you'll get a gift certificate from the Gap.

Sick of these stupid promises and threats on forwarded e-mails?

Click here and enjoy!!!

Thanks to Paulette.

If I were...

Stemily tagged me to do this thingie which is a nice change from the standard “Where did you grow up?”, “What’s your favorite shade of blue?” and “If you could change one thing about your toes, what would it be?” tagging questionnaire. Oddly enough, I think that it was meant to be as both of my lovely little girls slept while I completed the task. Enjoy…

I could be a scientist... If I could be a farmer... If I could be a musician... If I could be a doctor... If I could be a painter... If I could be a gardener... If I could be a missionary... If I could be a chef... If I could be an architect... If I could be a linguist... If I could be a psychologist... If I could be a librarian... If I could be an athlete... If I could be a lawyer... If I could be an innkeeper... If I could be a professor... If I could be a writer... If I could be a backup dancer... If I could be a llama-rider... If I could be a bonnie pirate... If I could be a midget stripper... If I could be a proctologist... If I could be a TV-Chat Show host... If I could be an actor... If I could be a judge... If I could be a Jedi... If I could be a mob boss... If I could be a backup singer... If I could be a CEO... If I could be a movie reviewer... If I could be a mob boss... If I could be a monkeys uncle... If I could be a CSI... If I could be a computer nerd... If I could be a Kindergarten teacher...

If I could be a backup dancer, I’d go on tour with Kenny Chesney, where I could ogle his hot body (especially his nice assets as I’d very conveniently be behind him on stage…) and make him fall madly in love with me using my charm, good looks and some wild hip swiveling moves.

If I could be a llama-rider, I’d be the best damn llama-rider ever and make it my personal goal to get Llama-Riding introduced as an official Olympic sport. Llamas deserve love too.

If I could be an innkeeper, my inn would be on the beach front in St. Thomas where I’d fritter away the days by soaking up the sun and the nights by drinking whiskey and Cokes while dancing in the tropical breeze. I guess I’d have to have a large staff to actually run the inn as I’d be quite busy with the more aforementioned tasks, but mingling with the guests is a must, must, must to running a successful business, no?!

But…I’m not and most likely won’t be any of these things. Therefore I will very contentedly continue to be Papa Duck’s loving and devoted Hot Mama and the best Mommy I can to the Duckling and Peanut.

Now by Official Code of Internet & Blogging Law I am bound to “tag” three new victims to copy this into their blogs…here goes…Melinda (who already has an interesting job, but may find something better in this list), Jennifer (since she’s not getting an sleep anyway...hey, you're awake, why the heck not blog?!) and Mrs. Mates (who is probably looking for something to do other than work)…have at it ladies!

Peanut's first attempt at Tummy Time... 

The Duckling announcing her new role to the world! 

Thursday Ramblings

Made it out of the house with both girls three days in a row this week. Woohoo! The mall, our next door neighbor's to play and Wal-Mart. All outings went off without incident...unless you consider the temper-tantrum the Duckling threw when we had to leave the sandbox next-door. Luckily for her, she was able to take about half of their sand home in her socks, shoes, hair and diaper. It was like having a portable sand-box.

It's actually sunny and warm here. I will need to make a purchase of a "interm" capri outfit to tide me over until I can fit my behind back into my regular clothes. Still another 12 pounds to go...blahhhhhhh. I swear it's all in my bum too. Mama got "back"!!!!

Had our first official "blow-out" at the mall...poor Peanut. I didn't even hear her grunting so she sat in it until we got home. Nothing better than a good Breastmilk Blowout...Miss Janna can attest to the disaster these produce as she recalls a lunch date we had last February which resulted in an emergency diaper change in the back of my 4Runner and that the Duckling had to be stripped naked, cleaned and then put back in her same crappy clothes because I didn't have a new sleeper to change her into. Fun times my friends.

Dumb Things I've Done/Said Lately

1. The fabulous ladies in my moms' group up here provided us with meals for the week. One woman brought those peanut butter cookies with the large chocolate chips in the middle. As I was devouring one, I thought, "I'd love to make these, they can't be that hard. I wonder where you get chocolate chips this big, though." Duh. For those of you still pondering it...see answer at end of post.

2. I braved the outside world with the girls yesterday and wore my new zebra coat for the first time. As I tossed it on and ran out the door before the Duckling and/or Peanut got hungry, crapped her pants or started crying I checked myself out in the mirror, "Looking good sexy mama!" I thought (not really, but it sounds better that "Hey, at least you got mascara on and your hair brushed today!" which is more likely what I was really thinking). Standing in store number 4 (Victoria's Secret if you must know...I got one of those free undies coupons in the mail yesterday!!!) in the mall I looked down into the diaper bag for my wallet and noticed the pricetag for the coat dangling from my armpit. SWEET!!!!

Now those are Cool Feelings!

Where DO you get chocolate chips that large? Ummm, they're called Hershey's Kisses.

Makin' Mama Proud

As I sit here and try to cram as many blog-readings into the five minutes Peanut will allow me for Me-Time I've been made oh-so-proud!

My little three week old baby girl just let the most enormous fart rip. Tucked her little legs right up underneath her, grunted and let it go. Unashamed and unabashed.

Bravo Eliza, bravo.

Things I Did Not Agree To

It's May 2nd.

On May 1st and May 2nd it has snowed at the place I am currently living (but not my "home"...).

This was not part of the terms and conditions that I agreed to when I left Texas.

That is all.

Oh yeah...one more thing, this morning on Sesame Street Super Grover had to let go of his beloved old red cape for a new one. How timely considering my recent release of Grey Yoga Pants. It's good to see Sesame Street going beyond the ABCs and 123s...children should know about the heartache of letting an old friend go and how to emotionally deal with such an experience. Kudos to the folks in the Sesame Street neighborhood! Maybe if they'd had this kind of preparation when I was little I wouldn't have mourned for so long over my knit friend.

But I still don't think that Cookie Monster should have to eat his vegetables. That's just not right.

False Reality

The public has voted and here are your choices on which "reality" TV show you would most like to appear:

The Bachelor (as the bachelor): 15%
The Simple Life: 30%
And the resounding winner is.....((drumroll))
Wife Swap: 40%

Oddly enough one person did choose to appear on Fear Factor...I suppose the idea of eating goat testicles and lying in a box of scorpions for cash just doesn't deter some folks.

Happy Sunday all!